First Year Reflections

Being a teacher is hard - this is a truth I have known for a long while, but it has quickly become more and more apparent to me throughout my first semester as a certified teacher with my own classroom.  I felt that I barely had time to breathe and that I spent too much time sleeping (though I hardly slept at all).  The days were simply not long enough for all my responsibilities, but no matter how hard I tried, there came a point every night where my exhaustion was impossible to fight.  I would fall asleep before I wanted, and I hated that lack of control.  Being in survival mode, I was counting down the days until summer early on.

However, once getting there, I realized yet another very difficult part of teaching that I'm not sure I'll ever get used to.  It can be emotionally taxing!  Yes, I was so ready for summer and a break, and even ready to graduate my kids from 4th grade.  But at the same time, I didn't want to let them go and say goodbye.

After teaching a very rough group that I sometimes (or very often) didn't know how to properly handle, I was forced to grow a lot as a disciplinarian.  The group I had really drove me crazy, and there were times I had to fight back tears because of all the emotional turmoil they put me through with their behavior.  In spite of all that, the more I got to know them, the more I really loved these kids.

It's a great confirmation that I'm in the right field when I find myself so naturally inclined to love children.  Even unconditionally I am able to love them, as I find myself growing closer to my trouble-makers.

So this is the reality of teaching.  You get to know your students - and I mean really get to know them.  You know how they're different, you know each one's strengths and weaknesses, how to motivate them, where they struggle, what they like and don't like.  Being involved in their lives over a span of time when you're in a position that pushes them to be better, you see how they grow.  I can't express how proud I am when I see one of them finally overcome an obstacle.  Whether it's with academics or behavior, I am their biggest fan as I watch them improve.

Near the end of the year, I progressively received more and more hugs, sweet notes of admiration, and words of praise.  It is my love for them and their words of encouragement that are my driving force.  It doesn't even matter if everyone in the class likes me or not, I've come to realize, but if I can just reach one student, that is my reward.

One of the most heartbreaking stories of the year centers around one of my most difficult students.  The poor 11-year-old ESL student has not seen his mom or younger sisters since he moved here from Mexico in 2009.  His dad, who crossed the border with him, is currently working in Florida, leaving him in Dallas with his grandparents.  The boy thinks the world of his dad and he misses his mom.  He had some of the biggest issues to deal with, which caused him to act out for attention in my class.  We really developed a bond throughout the semester, and by the end he started calling me his mom.  Sometimes he would be joking and I tried to discourage it, for he really put me in the position as his mother and I knew that was not very healthy as the year would soon end and I would not see him.  However, Mother's Day rolled around and we spent some time in our class writing notes to our mothers....and he gave me these:

Wow. Talk about something that makes you speechless.  What a dear little boy.  I only hope I made the best impact on him as possible.

After all the hugs and the notes and the gifts, my students and I shared one last day and class party together.  I allowed them to write on my board, and they all covered my three giant whiteboards with notes saying how they loved me and were going to miss me.  It was so touching and left such a perfect mark in my classroom for me to come back to after they left.

I love them.  I've been through so much with them.  And now, they are no longer mine.  They will never again walk into my room and be my students.  How I miss them!  And this was only half a year!  I really wonder what a whole year with a group will be like and how I will ever get used to saying goodbye!  These kids were my life for 5 months, and now some of them I may never see again.  It's utterly heartbreaking!

Laying Down the Law

It's time to get serious about learning in my classroom...and this means that I really need to start laying down the law.  I told my classes this week that I had been giving them a lot of grace, but that this far into the semester I shouldn't have to keep telling them what they are supposed to be doing everyday.  They know the routines, and now I am holding them accountable.

It's very interesting how my two classes respond in very different ways.  My second group of the day really gets it when I give them warnings and will keep their behavior in check, whereas my homeroom is just full of trouble. I love them dearly, but they don't seem to understand quite yet that there will be consequences when they make poor decisions.  They appear so shocked and have that lost baby dear look in their eyes as they try to win my sympathy in hopes of escaping consequences.  I can't tell you how much it hurts to have to get onto them all the time and write them up as needed, but they will never learn otherwise.  I am keeping my expectations high and, like I said, really laying down the law.

Tuesday was the day soooo many of them got into trouble.  I had to write up seven students just in my homeroom, and then only one in the afternoon.  Even though it was a rough day, it was very well under control.  I did not feel overly exhausted at the end of it because the discipline problems were dealt with abruptly and swiftly.

When Wednesday rolled around, I'm not even sure what it was that happened - one of those things where I can't pinpoint the actual problem - but my students were, as the teacher next door put it, "having an initial backlash".  The day was very difficult - quite horrible actually - and I felt very VERY defeated.  I hit the point where I had to fight back tears stinging my eyes while my students were still in the room.  Whoooaa...not ok.

My team lead gave me a pep talk at the end of the day, which was just what I needed.  I am so thankful for her.  She laid out the cold, hard truth of what no one in the school is admitting: the charter has changed over the past few years, and we have collected a large group of inner city kids and discipline problems from other schools.  At least someone was being real with me and not trying to create the illusion that we have a group so focused on character.  What she said makes a lot more sense.  You have to know the students you're reaching.

I left school that day not getting into my car and crying but rather feeling like I had become stronger through such a horrible experience.  My attitude was to "get my game face on" and come in the next day not backing down with my expectations.  I do show my kids I love them every chance I get, but this special group that I have is practically begging for more structure and boundaries, making them more rough than any bunch of 4th graders I've witnessed before.  I find myself growing stronger and more prepared to face the most wild situations.  Oddly enough, in spite of the tears and the rage I have seen in my students' eyes as their actions cause them to get in trouble with me, by the end of this week, more of them were giving me hugs.  It almost threw me off to get such a response in the midst of all the glares I was starting to get as well, but that just proves children need and want boundaries!  I really wish all parents knew that.

This new week will be starting with 4 detentions, 2 suspensions, and a lot of room for growth.  However, I still enjoy chatting with them, joking around with them, and laughing when the circumstances allow.  I love them, and I pray to God they know they are loved.

"Nothing is about to 'go down'!"

It was great to have a day off this Monday, but it was yet another rough week.  I will just tell you how my Friday ended and hope that gives you an adequate picture of the impulsiveness of my students.

My neighboring teacher who switches classes with me had to leave school about 20 minutes early, but this was not going to be any problem because our classes would be at recess at the end of the day.  We both led our classes outside to the very large playground area, and she assured me that the other teachers should be coming out with their classes as well to help me monitor the kids.  During our very limited time at recess, students came up to me with reports of two of my girls fighting.  I went to talk to both of them, doing my best to avoid the audience of about 20 very curious 4th graders.  Sadly enough, neither of the girls are very trustworthy and had very different accounts of what had happened.

It was soon time to go inside, and that is when I realized that no other 4th grade teachers had come to recess.  This left me with the task of lining up 50 4th graders to re-enter the building quietly and head to two different places for dismissal.  Once I could see one line of students heading the right direction towards some other teachers, I walked with the other stream of students down a different hallway.  6th grade was walking past us down where our two hallways met.  As I got closer, I realized that one of the 6th grade girls had just been informed that her younger sister had been crying on the playground.  She was getting heated saying, "Oh no! Oh no! Oh NO!!"  I was sure she knew exactly who the other girl was, as that girl had just turned with a wildly fearful look on her face.  The 6th grader started to wag her finger in the air and move her head back and forth with extreme attitude while announcing, "It's about to go down!"

At this moment there were too many kiddos clumped in the hallway, seemingly drawn in by the excitement.  I happened to be the only teacher within view and was just so sick of hearing kids throwing threats around.  I put my own finger up in a scolding manner and said very sternly and loudly above the commotion, "Nothing is about to 'go down'!  You 6th graders go that way, us 4th graders are going this way - let's move."

It scares me how often problems like these arise, and I do my best to play peacemaker.  The good news is, my students are choosing to come to me quietly to report incidents rather than loudly accusing people across the room, which is what they used to do.  I am definitely anxious to see the progress we are hopefully to make by the end of the year!  May God infiltrate His presence in my classroom - we need Him so badly!

Blood, Sweat, and Tears

I contributed all three of these liquids this past week, already pouring what feels like everything I have into my job.  The temperature in my classroom is way too warm and musty, making for uncomfortable afternoons and poor, complaining, melting students.  Throughout the week there have probably been about 90 sheets of paper used by students to create makeshift fans and I, myself, have walked around the room fanning them with papers while I read to them.  We've been doing our best to sweat it out and ignore the irony of it actually being cold outside.

On Tuesday I discovered one of my fingers was all bloody and I had no idea where the cut came from nor time to properly take care of it.  I actually used it to my benefit when a student later asked to go to the nurse showing me a tiny scratch next to his fingernail.  I held up my finger that still had evidence of blood all around the nail and said, "Oh c'mon Danny, if I'm going to be ok, I think you'll be ok."  His eyes got big and we both half laughed as he sat back down knowing he wasn't about to get out of the classroom.

And there were definitely a couple different nights when I let the emotional part of the job weigh on me and resorted myself to crying.  I realized more this week as I get to know the students better how my heart breaks for them and their various situations.  These 9-year-olds, for one thing, are exposed to way too many worldly things.  That much is obvious in their words and actions.  It makes me hate the media and the ease of access to inappropriate content.  Someone needs to shield these babies!

Of course, I am not the only crier.  I'm not sure if I can count how many different students I have seen shed some tears...I am doing what I can to discourage mean behavior!  Oddly enough I have witnessed more boys crying than girls, but that might have something to do with the fact that they have been getting into more trouble.  Nothing makes a student cry like a trip to the office and a phone call to the parents.

Yes, this has been a rough week and I have a rough group of kids who, sadly, are not so easy to trust.  The one encouraging aspect of the whole situation is that I find I can truly love my students in spite of anything they say or do.  It's a confirmation that I am in the right field and can hold the right amount of patience and grace for these kiddos.  In the end, they all just need somebody to love them.

Placed Here

It is an unbelievable reality that I have already begun my career.  I spent years dreaming of this day and lots of money and sleepless nights studying and waiting to get here, but I still can't believe it has officially begun!  Less than a month ago I graduated from Dallas Baptist University with the HUGE blessing of already having a job secured for my future.  There was no more stressing about where I would end up...God had been so good!

So here I am at a charter school in Oak Cliff teaching 4th grade.  I was actually originally hired as a 2nd grade teacher, but my position changed the first day I came to the school to meet my class.  All I can say is that it is nothing like I expected.  For example, I did not expect the tiny size of the room, the grand number of 26 students in my homeroom, or even the fact that I would be teaching 4th grade.  There are many challenges that face me - a big one just being that I am taking on a new class in the middle of the year with almost no time to prepare.  However, I know that I am placed here for a reason.

I remember the prayers and the events that fell into place as I received this job offer.  I remember the sheer joy I felt when I first got the call informing me that I got the job!  And most importantly, I remember the reason I even wanted to teach in the first place: to help mold and foster the growth of young children's lives.  It's all about the kids, and this job is my ministry.  Seven days into the year of teaching and I am already falling in love with my 49 students.  It breaks my heart how rough some of them can be, but they are kids and very impressionable.  I want them to know how I love them and to be a light in their lives.

I am reminded of that song "Carry Your Candle" and the message makes me want to cry.

There is a candle in every soul
Some brightly burning, some dark and cold
There is a Spirit who brings fire
Ignites a candle and makes His home

Carry your candle, run to the darkness
Seek out the hopeless, confused and torn
Hold out your candle for all to see it
Take your candle, and go light your world



While this may be the most difficult semester I have ever had to face, I am hopeful and anxious to see what happens.  The most important thing is to rely on Him and seek His will in all of this.  He placed me here for a reason, and I intend to make it count.